Faith is tricky. Being sure of what you hope for and certain if what you don’t see (Heb 11:1) can get daunting. Especially when you don’t know the Master’s plan. Many times, I believe God asks us to step out in faith and we, being human, decide we know exactly the outcome and then, God changes it all up and we can feel tossed about and bruised.
I’m beginning to believe that faith is a path that you either choose to walk on into the darkness and bring light to as you go, or you choose to require more light before you go. Neither is a higher call, they are just different. Many years ago, I chose the path that I cannot see clearly but I know Maker of the path so I’m secure in Him.
When God introduced me to the International Project (IP) in New York City (NYC) several years ago, it started a path. When He invited me to apply last fall to be a student in their cross-cultural training program, I hesitated for a moment and then kept walking. When He took us to NYC for the interview process with IP in April, it confirmed for me that He has planted a deep love for this city in my heart and it is my home. A truly beautiful experience that I will never forget. When they offered me a job there, I was ecstatic and I fully believed God would provide everything we needed in order to get there by July 23rd. My faith, being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see, has wavered but never faltered.
So here I sit on 7/5, no ability to move to NYC this weekend has initially planned, and my faith meets its largest crisis.
Did I hear God wrong?
Did I doubt more than I think I did and now I don’t get to go?
Did I not do enough?
Basically, I’m wondering if I am being punished and removed from what I believe God called me to because I’m not enough? My story of never feeling like I was good enough is triggered and I was finding it hard to see beyond this crisis and this pain. This place is exactly where my enemy wants me. You see, the enemy wants us to move our focus off of the cross and onto the crisis. That’s always his plan, to get us to shift our faith off of Jesus and onto ourselves. In those moments, Jesus invites us to remain in His presence and receive the gift of peace.
God is not a mean old man sitting on His porch just waiting for us to step in his yard so that He can tell at us to get off! God is good. God is love. God is faithful. I have no idea what God is doing other than leading me in love to become the person He created me to be. Over the past two months, I’ve experienced more freedom than at any other time in my life. I’ve confirmed for myself that Jesus is my everything and, like Job, if He decides to slay me I will still trust (Job 13:15). This journey, this life, is not mine. Yes, I have choices and options, but in the end all I really have is Jesus.
So, I keep moving forward and asking God for clarity. His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9) for every area in my life. My mind is firmly set on the spirit (Romans 8:5) and while I do not fully understand what God is doing, or going to do externally, internally He is growing me more and more every minute of the day. The transformation process is never easy and to many, my life may look like a series of mistakes. And I’m ok with that because God has me and He will never leave me or forsake me.