Hi, my name is Kellyann and I’m an alcoholic. It’s been 7 1/2 years since my last drink of alcohol. Praise Jesus!
Here’s the thing about addiction, it only goes dormant, it doesn’t go away. You may think you know all of your triggers and then, swoop goes the rug and you find yourself on your back aching for relief. The aching lies to you, it tells you there is a quick way out…medicate. Medicate through drugs, alcohol, pornography, food, television, whatever will get your mind off of the ache for just a few moments of relief. It takes the lie one step further by saying “you can do it this once, you won’t get hooked again”, and if you aren’t so very careful, you consider giving in. You consider it because there is a level of truth to the lies and you know that first hit, first drink, first bite is going to feel good even though, it’s also going to feel bad. This is the cycle an addict lives in and many of us live this out all of our lives.
I’m discouraged today. I’m discouraged because my heavenly view and my earthly view aren’t in alignment and I’m feeling frustrated. I know what I believe 100% that God said and the waiting on His timing, while amazing for long-term growth, is sometimes a bit crushing. My faith, certain of what I am hoping for and eagerly expecting what I do not see, is being tested and it hurts today. So, the enemy drops a lie…”have a shot of whiskey. You can have just one! It’s been seven years, you’ll be fine.” My discouragement kicks my addiction’s light on and I find myself spiralling a little into more discouragement. It’s a catch-22 with a wicked backlash.
So, I reach out to friends who understand and then I pray, begging God for new salvation. I beg for a life that never wants alcohol again. Beg for any light of hope that my faith is not in vain. And His reply today is the same as His reply to Paul long ago in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “My grace is enough because in your weakness I become stronger.” So I slump my shoulders forward, tears streaming down my cheeks and I hand my life over to God one more time. And in this moment of submission, my soul knows He has me even though my body still cries and still craves. In this moment I know I won’t drink alcohol today, not today.
Following Jesus is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s a choice I make every day and sometimes, every minute. I believe Jesus has me and is making a way where I can’t see one. I believe Satan wants to stop me. I believe I have an impact to make for Jesus through loving people. It’s who I am and who I was created to be and if I give up now, I will be lost. Not lost beyond being found again, but lost all the same. I have no plan B, I only have God. I have given Him all of my life and that is a crazy thing to do no matter who you are and yet, I know Him to be faithful and unrelentingly in love with me. And in that knowledge, built in historical data and biblical truths, I find hope.