This is me. I’ve been writing this blog for several years and mostly what I do is teach. I teach about scripture and how I’ve applied it to my life and, hopefully, I get you to see how to apply it to your life. That’s my nature, to teach about God, and now I’m going to change things up a bit and start to share more of my story and how God is woven all throughout it. I’ll still teach about scripture since honestly, it’s what I think about most of time.
I was born in the late 1960s so I’m quickly approaching my 50th year here on earth. It’s been a bumpy, painful, challenging, beautiful and joyous journey and while I could be cliche and say something like “I wouldn’t change a thing because all of it has made me who I am today and I like me!”, the truth is…I would take away the traumatic events if I could. The problem with that, however, is that I really do like who I am and who I am becoming and honestly, the trauma is what brought me here so I guess, in the end, I would keep it. But there are days when it overwhelms me and I find it hard to move. I’m betting, and I believe this based on my sphere of friends, you have days you feel like that too.
As with many of us born in the later half of the19060s, I come from a broken home. I know that’s supposed to mean that my parents were divorced but let’s be as honest as possible in this space…many of our homes were broken regardless of the marital status of our parents. My generation had parents breaking out of the mold, revolutionizing sex and drugs and redefining freedom. They didn’t want to do it the way the generations before them had, so the rebelled loudly with amazing music, questionable fashion and poor choices. Many of my peers, myself included, ran around trying to figure out where we fit in to the new family type that was emerging. Single parents. Dating parents. Remarried parents. Remarried again parents. Absent parents. My generation is the pioneer generation for children of parents who didn’t stay and that has brought a type of generational PTSD to our world. And honestly, it hasn’t changed much as we’ve grown up and so now, many of us are ourselves single parents, remarried parents, remarried again parents and even absent parents.
I’m a single mom who parents with ridiculous intention toward my daughter. I have spent thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours understanding trauma, defining my own trauma and trying to help her frame her trauma so that the effects are lessened. I know the mistakes my parents made so I try to not make those which just means, I’m making new ones. I try to show her faith in every moment. Faith that God never leaves, never forsakes and never loves less than 1 hundred-million percent at every single moment. I’m not revolutionary in many ways except when it comes to love. I love my daughter unconditionally and she knows it. She may question many things about me, but that I love her and support who she is as a child of God and a follower of Jesus is solidaly set. It’s not always easy and yet, it’s always rewarding. I believe that my job as her mom is to help her figure out how to live in faith and discover why God created her and what He is calling her to do.
That’s a bit about me as a mom, here are a few other facts about me: I’m an alcoholic who started drinking when I was 13 years old and stopped when I was 42 years old (I’ve been stone sober for almost 7 years!); I have PTSD that manifests itself in anxiety and sometimes I get so overwhelmed my brain actually stops doing basic things like be able to read; I have been in a few significant and abusive relationships (praise Jesus, single and happy to be now); at the age of 48, I still struggle to be authentic and ok with my decisions but I’m getting better at both; I love people fiercely; I have an amazing tribe; Jesus is my everything. About 4 years ago I went through a year of training and therapy on trauma. I went in to the program not able to name my own trauma, and I walked out not able to NOT see trauma everywhere. In that training, God completely tore me apart in the most loving and painful way and started a long journey of rebuilding. Rebuilding is hard work, it’s the tough work of life where you cry, get angry, scream, yell, name, bless and let go. It’s terrifying work and, it has become my war cry for people: ENGAGE YOUR TRAUMA! It’s truly one of the most loving things God will lead you to do and you will both hate it and be grateful for it.
So, I take all of my training, all of my reading, all of my praying, all of the Jesus in me, and I move through my days trying to love the people around me. My heart’s purest and most base desire is to love like Jesus loved. No strings. No hidden agenda. No boundaries. Just love and acceptance of where you are when I encounter you and a desire to know your story. And let me be clear, I don’t want to know your story so that I can help fix your story because I’ve learned that isn’t my job. I want to know your story because I want to figure out where you need love and help you get that because when you feel loved and safe, you will allow God access and He will help you by bringing healing.
One last thing as I close…I love you. I don’t know most of the people who read my blog personally but can I just tell you with all sincerity that if you reached out to me, you would find someone who loves you in the darkest spaces of your life. I have been in dark spaces and I have felt the shame those spaces bring and that is why I can say with assurity, I love you. The greatest thing I do in my life is show people love and the only way I do that is because I am empowered by Jesus. “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves his been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.” 1 John 4:7-8
This is me.