During my quiet time with God this morning I found myself actually sobbing. This emotion had 2 contributing factors: Fear of God and Love for God. It’s really quite amazing that I could have both ends of the spectrum of emotion in the one moment and I’m sure that’s why I was crying.
Now to be clear and transparent, I wasn’t crying or emotional out of respect for God which we call “fear”. I was emotional because I woke up this morning realizing that I am actually AFRAID of God and what he might allow to happen in my life. As I read more of the Bible, I am getting a better sense for who God is and part of that character is, quite honestly, violent to me. Lots of people died horribly in God’ will. Job lost his entire world in God’s will. Jesus died a horrible death in God’s will. The list could go on and on but I think you get the point. God has moments where He not only allows pain to enter our lives, He has moments where He brings the pain in our lives. The issue for us, as always, is how we respond. We can be fearful like I was feeling this moring, or we can claim the power that He has given us and the promise from His word that, “we know that God causes all this to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” (Rom 8:28) If I trust God and put my entire life in His hands, then the only response to the fear I was feeling this morning was repentance and digging in to the Word to draw closer to Him. I want my response to challenges and trials to be, “God, this is your life, live it through me to bring glory to You.”
It’s more than a little frightening to be that open with God and to give my life over to God to use as He will. I’m a control freak and am prone to anxiety and panic. Giving my life and my circumstances to God is a moment to moment endeavor. Some days are easy because the waves of life are small. Somes days are harder because the waves of life are cresting my boat. In the end, God is in charge of all things and He has my life in His very safe and capable hands which means that I am never actually in danger. Oh sure, I may be in a situation where this physical existence is in jeopardy but who cares? My eternal life is secure in His hands and I have nothing to fear.
I’m certain that for the rest of my life this will be a moment to moment challenge. My heart desires to be as Paul and fully embrace, “For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” (Phil 1:21) My natural response is much more Peter who after seeing Jesus transfigured into glow and talking with Moses and Elijah said, “if You wish, I will make three tabernacles here..” Basically saying, Jesus, let’s just stay here ‘cuz it’s all good right now. Of course, Jesus didn’t have Peter set up shop there and instead used Peter mightily to establish His church.
Dear Lord, use me, take me, live through me. You created me and you know that is a challenging idea for me and because of that You have given me your Word that promises to strenghten me and uphold me. Thank you for loving me and help me show that love to those around me.